I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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