You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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