her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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