also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
