If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
