The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I looked at my own cervix.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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