Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
