Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
