felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
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He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
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You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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