Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Four minutes until I can fart!
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
