We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
