im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
