I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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