just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
