Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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