he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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