I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
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i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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