somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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