Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Randomize
