I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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