I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
