Apparently you make a good broom.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
two words...techno handjob
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
