Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
