I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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