she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
