I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
