I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
