FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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