my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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