Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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