Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
