just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
