So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
