Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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