Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
