i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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