our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
