Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
