She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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