Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
