I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
