oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
