My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
