I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Randomize
