grandma shit on top of the toilet
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
accomplished twins. life is a go
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
