I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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