I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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