did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I want to make a zoo with you.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
