Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
