you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
