any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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