if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
