WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
