WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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