oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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