im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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