My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
