its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
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u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
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you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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