i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Green mimosas i think yes
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
