i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
