my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
