Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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