Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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